Revenge porn – when consent is denied & trust betrayed

Revenge porn wears many sordid faces. Known as image-based abuse (IBA) by those who prosecute cyber crimes, revenge porn refers to sharing of intimate, nude or sexual material without consent. The threat of sharing compromising videos and photos also counts as IBA.

This is a travel website so why are we writing about consent, trust and revenge porn you might ask?

It’s not a topic I anticipated writing about.  Nor is it an easy story to write. Travel writing is my thing not social commentary. But like any self-respecting travel story, this one has its fair share of tropical Fijian beaches. There are sun-kissed bodies, palm trees and yachts dotted against a tropical island backdrop.

In fact, there is a travel element to this story. It starts with photographs taken in Fiji of an Australian woman by a Canadian photographer which were uploaded to a swingers sex site hosted in New Zealand with a UK parent company by said photographer sitting in South Australia after saying goodbye to this Queensland based writer. Crossing multiple national borders, this is far from the usual travel story you’ll read in a tourism brochure.

Consent and Trust

The problems started after I discovered a photo of my naked body on a swingers hook-up site, which had been uploaded by Devita (not his real name), a former partner. Devita claimed to have made a career out of being a photojournalist and photographer so it was quite the surprise to discover him defying the issue of consent.  Using my naked body to solicit others for sexual liaisons, he shared photos and drawings with the site’s 100,000+ members without asking for, nor receiving, my consent.

Besides being a monumental betrayal of trust between two consenting adults formerly in a relationship, IBA is a serious crime. Australian laws’ Enhancing Online Safety Act 2015 applies when one or other of the people impacted is an Australian and  states that

“A person who posts, or threatens to post, an intimate image without the consent of the person depicted in the image may be liable to a civil penalty.”

One in five Australians have experienced IBA according to the Office of the eSafety Commissioner. Women are more likely to be targeted than men. According to The Guardian, in one month alone (January 2017) Facebook logged more than 51,000 potential ‘sextortion’ reports resulting in 14,000 accounts being deactivated.

READ THE CAIRNS POST ARTICLE – REPUBLISHED BY THE DAILY MAIL

When Revenge Porn is used for personal gain

I was mortified to discover my naked body being used to elicit hook-ups for threesomes, straight, oral and outdoor sex, masturbation and exhibitionism. It wasn’t about the sexual pleasures sought – whatever floats your boat baby, it’s your call. But if you’re going to involve me you’ll need my consent. What really disturbed me was the unauthorised use of a naked photo of me featured on his profile, implying my consensual sharing of the image. Other images were uploaded to private groups within the site. How many members had downloaded or screen-grabbed the photos? I’ll never know. The digital stain is virtually impossible to erase.

The weeks following this discovery passed in a sleepless fog of stunned stupor as I processed this betrayal of trust.

Initially I was angry. Nay, furious. Before long, fury turned to disbelief. Which only depressed and then saddened me. Talking to friends, hearing of their own experiences as victims of revenge porn and other toxic behavior, I despaired.

But I was also gratified to hear from those who have the love and support of a partner with honesty and integrity, which ultimately gives me hope. It took the best part of a year to work through the fallout and learn to trust others again.

Defining Consent and Trust

But let’s get back to consent and trust. The Oxford Dictionary defines consent as:

‘permission for something to happen or an agreement to do something.’

The definition of trust is pretty clear too:

‘firm belief in the reliability, truth or ability of someone or something.’

While revenge porn is often about malicious intent, to deliberately harm, humiliate, embarrass or intimidate someone, it’s not always quite so spiteful. Sometimes it’s more about the perpetrator viewing their victim as little more than a prop to be used for their own personal gratification. But disrespect for another human, particularly one that you once cared for, is no excuse.

Online dating and trust

Devita and I met online in a sailors forum back in early 2017 when I advertised for a Travel Writers Plus One. Initial conversations as we got to know each other revolved around mutual trust. He was living onboard his yacht in Fiji, I was living in Australia. Trusting that I hadn’t fallen for a classic Nigerian scam, I flew to Fiji for our first date. It wasn’t a scam, we hit it off and romance bloomed, then plunged and re-blossomed again over the next two years.

Both creative people (he a photographer, me a writer), we collaborated on creative content projects. We also collaborated on the occasional tasteful nude photo shoot in which I was a consenting participant. At the time of our personal breakup we were working on a book project we’d conceived while sailing to Fiji’s Lau Islands in 2017 and 2018.

When we called an end to the personal relationship Devita asked what he should do with ‘the nudes’.

‘I trust you that they won’t appear anywhere they shouldn’t,’ I said to him.

He nodded in agreement.

Within a week he had joined a swingers hook up site and was uploading images and drawings of my naked body. Though it would be another two weeks before I discovered this.

When I called out Devita’s deceit in a private email to him he offered a curt two word apology. Then he swiftly claimed to be a victim of malicious intent when I outed his lack of personal and professional ethics publicly.

His justification for sharing photos of my naked body without consent was that it uploaded to a members only site. A site that had over 100,000 members last time I looked.

‘it was posted on a private password protected site and I was careful not to show your face’

The irony is that the photo he used for his swingers profile is actually a beautiful image, worthy of gracing my living room wall.

But this is not a story about art. It’s about consent and trust. And the far-reaching consequences and damage caused when one is denied and the other is betrayed.

Is there a lesson to be learnt?

One friend reminded me that if I hadn’t allowed these photos to be taken they wouldn’t have been shared. True. When you date a photographer it’s inevitable that their lens will be pointed at you (admittedly, mostly when fully clothed). It’s the same when you date a writer – you’ll provide inspiration for and likely appear in the copy. In the publishing of this story, I give you Exhibit A.

If you’ve been a victim of revenge porn there are supportive avenues to seek help in the links above. Australian police take  this shit very seriously.

If, on the other hand, you’re tempted to become a perpetrator and share compromising material with consent, just don’t. The harm you do is far-reaching.

Fiona Harper is an Australian freelance travel writer. The images used on this page have been sourced from Upsplash and shared with the creators consent.